We welcome you to ARK's April Newsletter, and Glenn, Jan, Omega, Quintina, and I wish you the most wondrous opportunities and fulfillment in this month which is leading us to Spring and warmer weather.

Thanks to each of you for your care and help in strengthening the lives of others. We greatly appreciate you and keep you in our hearts and thoughts. Please keep us in yours!

William R. Duffy
National Executive Director
Lone Star College Campus--University Park
Houston, Texas

If you have any ideas regarding where we need to be placing our ARK programming, please let us know.
Houston: Bill Duffy (National Executive Director) at wduffyark@sbcglobal.net
Dallas/Fort Worth: Jan Nelson (DFW Executive Director) at jnelsonark@sbcglobal.net

At the beginning of the day, you go to your child's room, stand at the doorway, and say loudly, "Get up, it's time for school." (A)
At the beginning of the day, you sit on your child's bed, put your hand on her back, and softly say, "Breakfast in a few minutes." (N)

When your child comes to the table in the morning, after you fix his breakfast, you sit down (even if just briefly) while you have coffee, look the child in the eye, and talk about the oncoming day. (N)
When your child comes to the table in the morning, you fix his breakfast and immediately scoot off to your room to get dressed for work.(A)

When you're talking to your child across the table, you comfortably reach out and touch her cheek or stroke her hair, and gently look into her eyes. (N)
When you're talking to your child across the table, your interactions are reserved, and it's uncomfortable for you to make warm eye contact or reach out and touch her.(A)

When you hug your child, you find yourself stiffening and squeezing him around the shoulders and then quickly letting go.(A)
When you hug your child, you find that your body softens and molds to him. You hold that snuggle just for a moment before he scoots off to play. (N)

When you talk to your child, your voice sounds the same as it does when you talk to the administrator at your office. (A)
When you talk to your child, your voice sounds warm and playful. (N)

When you talk to your child, words come marching out of your mouth like little soldiers, saluting as they go. (A)
When you talk to your child, words swing softly from your mouth in a playful rhythm.(N)

You use material gifts and objects as an opportunity to send your child away from you. (A)
You use material gifts and objects to bring your child closer to you, to share, and to interact with him. (N)

In this self-test, N represents a nurturing choice while A represents an emotionally-avoidant choice. If you scored five to seven Ns, you're on the right track to offering your child deep nurturing. If you scored the same numbers of Ns and As, you provide some nurturing, but there's definitively some room for improvement. If you checked more As than Ns, your relational style tends to be avoidant and emotionally distant. You risk being emotionally disconnected from your child. Now is a good time to be more intentional about providing nurture to him or her.

While it comes easier to some parents than to others (depending on our individual personality make-ups), nurturing a child is not an accident. It's a choice! As Jean Nidetch once said, "It's choice, not chance, that determines your destiny."

To enhance your nurturing skills, we encourage educators and parenting groups to commit to renewal and growth with education and networking facilitated by the ARK Program DVDs: ARK for Teachers, ARK for Parents (faith-based and secular), ARK Facilitator Training, The ARK Group Process and an Introduction to ARK hosted by Pat Summerall. Order today at www.thearkgroup.org. The ARK Program has excellent lessons, DVD's, manuals, workbooks, texts and materials. They will equip you to provide life-changing ARK programs including breakthrough parenting and teaching "skills courses." With your help, we can make ARKRelationships the norm for the 21st century family, church, school and community.

Avoid lecturing. Research has shown that lectures may increase knowledge but they do not change behavior. Think instead of providing a variety of other experiences that can have a very positive impact in behavioral growth. Activities such as interactive projects and group activity, activity options, experiences that allow children to pace themselves, and experiential learning (where kids have the chance to apply their new learnings and reflect on them). Moms and Dads, think about some hands-on building, gardening, construction, repair, and cooking activities to share with your family and the neighborhood kids--and see what growth can occur.

Avoid negative approaches based on scaring children, squelching bad behavior, grouping together kids with serious behavioral problems, and ridiculing. Instead look for programs whose approach is to look for ways to "catch kids doing good" and to compliment their efforts to "make a difference"; this form of encouragement will help your children to see their lives as meaningful and significant.

Avoid the "100 kids and a single adult activity". Our children need to know that they have an adult in their lives who sees them clearly and cares about them. There's no way that one adult can give that sort of attention to 100 children. Look for ways to get more of your neighbors involved and present in the activities of kids.

When you take that first step to start an activity, be sure you ask yourself, "What do I hope will be the result?" Being intentional in the lives of our children is our greatest act of humanity, and it marks us as a people who are truly concerned as to what's best for our kids.

Share with us your suggestions of hope and encouragement, and we will pass them on to others.

Use the ARK website to contact us at www.thearkgroup.org

Now let's think about the "little" things that do count in successfully teaching children. We meet with teachers and educators weekly. Here are eight things we hear over and over from them as they work daily to encourage their students' social/emotional growth:

1. Create a space for students to contribute.
2. Care for the students as individuals. Their relationships enrich you as well as them.
3. Find ways to make school fun and exciting. Play games. Take field trips.
4. Identify ways to help students see why they should come to school. For example, in math class, discuss how practical activities like buying things and receiving the correct change, figuring batting averages, and keeping a check book require basic math skills.
5. Structure is always seen by kids as form of care for them. Make the rules (keep them simple), with appropriate consequences enforced with your gently oversight.
6. Identify and encourage students' strengths, abilities, and talents.
7. Reward effort with little things, like displaying their products.
8. Always applaud effort, not intelligence.

"Throw your heart over the fence, and the rest will follow." Norman Vincent Peale

A memorial gift to ARK is a great way to remember a deceased friend or relative. A gift in honor of a co- worker, a grandchild, or a teacher is a gift that will "enrich the lives of children" as we use those monies to better the lives of children. A gift to ARK--offered simply because you believe in our mission-- will have a wonderfully significant impact.

If your gift is memory or in honor of a loved one, please include the address where we can send an acknowledgement of your gift.

Since the ARKGroup is a 501(c)(3), non-profit organization, all of gifts are tax-deductible. Checks can be made out to "The ARKGroup" and sent to our Houston office (20515 SH 249, LoneStar College University Park CB-122, Houston, Texas 77070) or our Dallas office (2215 Canada Dr., Dallas, TX 75212).

Thank you for your generosity and for helping ARK to make a difference in the lives of countless children and students.

Take a look at the ARK website for full details on programs at www.thearkgroup.org

Dr. Edward Deci and Dr. Richard Ryna at the University of Rochester in New York have contributed significant works to our understanding of extrinsic and intrinsic motivation. "Extrinsic motivation" is based on external rewards and punishments that may lead to a child's having feelings of being controlled. "Intrinsic motivation" is that generated internally with authenticity and responsibility arising as a result of a child's feelings of choice and self- direction.

When it comes to compelling desired behavior in a child (or correcting misbehavior), the extrinsic approach is to reward the child's behaviors that you seek and to punish the child's behaviors you do not seek. The intrinsic approach contends that we humans have three basic needs: 1) the need to belong or feel connected, 2) the need to feel competent ( significant) and 3) the need for autonomy or self-determination ("My life is meaningful because I make a difference as a result of my own decisions and actions.") Parents and teachers who employ the intrinsic approach focus on discovering the "unmet need" of a misbehaving child. When they address that unmet need, the misbehavior disappears.

The nuances and complexities of these two different positions on child-rearing and teaching have challenged every parent and teacher at one time or another and probably impact our intentional actions as adults on a daily basis.

The challenge for each of us is to first be aware of these two approaches to dealing with children. Second, we need to be open to the fact that our approach may need to be different at different times in the life of a maturing young person. Then, we might want to consider that we probably all could use some help with the way in which we go about guiding children and being the adults in their lives. My belief is that, while the intrinsic approach requires a lot more work upon the part of adults, it shows deep care for the child and is a manifestation of unconditional love.

My hope for you is that you will form relationships with others who are in your age groups, parental conditions, and teaching roles and that in those relationships and networks, you might find more ways to bounce your challenges and questions off those "family members, colleagues, and friends" as a sounding board for new ideas on the "how's, when's, what's, and why's" that you face each day.

I also suggest that you take a peek at Dr. Robert Brooks' work on his website. His February and March, 2010, articles offer incredible insight into the "motivation dilemma."

Just musing...
Bill

Check out Dr. Brooks website newsletters@drrobertbrooks.com